I went to Toledo in Feb 2006 and we make official. A week later my Grandma died and a few weeks after that my Dad was diagnosed with Cancer. Now don't get me wrong, We have had our amazing times in life, Saint Lucia, Bahamas, buying a house, having Ian, amazing family vacations and time with our great families. But our 4 years of marriage have also had our hard times. We got hit by a hurricane on our honeymoon, I wrecked my car on our 1 month anniversary, Had emergency surgery when 12 weeks pregnant, Aaron lost his job due to layoffs when I was 6 months pregnant, and lost Dad to cancer when Ian was only 18 months old.
You see, lately my emotions have been a lot like our 4 years of marriage. A lot of ups and a lot of downs. I am very excited to start treatment and get on with diagnosing our infertility. I want our second child so badly and just want answers on to why I can not do it. The downs? In 6 days I will call my Dr to tell her once Aunt Flow has showed up once again and need to schedule my HSG (dye test) and FSH (blood test).
These test should make me excited. Once we know the results we will know what steps are next for us. Will we have to take clomid? Have my fibroids out? Remove any blockage? Inter uterine insemination? or In vitro fertilization? However, knowing that these test are coming at the end of this cycle, I feel like I have failed. I was unable to give my husband a second child, I failed at being able to give my son a brother or sister. I can not have a second baby on my own. I am broken.
So even though I am excited to get on with treatment I cant help but shed a tear and what I was not able to do on my own. I know God is in control and has a very special child out there for us. However, please pray for us as we start this transition into treatment and I go through the emotions of not being able to do this on my own.
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