Huston, we have no problem

Wow has this been a busy week! On Wednesday I went to Mt Carmel East to meet with my OBGYN for my hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test. During this test, your Dr injects dye into your uterus and them watches to see if it fills your uterus, goes out into your tubes and then fills your stomach. So I met my Dr and prepared for the test. They called for the radiologist to xray me during the test. (By this point I was almost in tears due to how bad this test hurts!) My Dr pushed the dye and my tubes instantly filled with the dye and into my stomach. My Dr stopped the test and then we had the talk.

All my test have came back normal. I am ovulating, my tubes are clear, Aaron is fine, my thyroid is fine so why are we not getting pregnant? My Dr told us that sometimes this test clears out some impurities and that we have a higher chance of conceiving this month. She also said, she has done all that she can at her office and she would be referring me on to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (Infertility specialist) This is exciting but disappointing at the same time. I am excited to see what my ithem and I cant wait to give him a baby brother or sister to protect and love.nfertility Dr has planned and what he can do for us. I am disappointed that it seems like my body is just saying no, even though there seems to be no medical reasons. However, they are more test that an RE can run and hopefully soon they will figure out why we can not get pregnant and be on our way to a family of 4 (or more?) We watched my cousins newborn twins yesterday and Ian was so excited to have the girls here. He was so protective of

Test

Well my next round of test have been scheduled. I am both excited but nervous about this! Tomorrow morning I will be going to the lab to have blood work. This is purely for my insurance to make sure that my eggs are healthy and not in menapause. They require this test before any treatment to make sure your body will respond. My number has to be below a 19 before they will pay for anything.

Also, I talked to my Dr today and on Wednesday the 24th I will be having my HSG test done. This is a (PAINFUL) dye test where they put dye in your uterus and see if it goes into your tubes and then your stomach. This checks to see if your tubes have any scar tissue blocking your tubes. The results then will tell us what steps we will take next. I should know the test results right away for this test.

Please keep us in your prayers as, as you can imagine I am very nervous, anxious, scared and yet excited.

Today we celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary. The feelings I have today have nothing to do with our actual anniversary but defiantly relivent to our 4 years of marriage and 5 1/2 years of being together!

I went to Toledo in Feb 2006 and we make official. A week later my Grandma died and a few weeks after that my Dad was diagnosed with Cancer. Now don't get me wrong, We have had our amazing times in life, Saint Lucia, Bahamas, buying a house, having Ian, amazing family vacations and time with our great families. But our 4 years of marriage have also had our hard times. We got hit by a hurricane on our honeymoon, I wrecked my car on our 1 month anniversary, Had emergency surgery when 12 weeks pregnant, Aaron lost his job due to layoffs when I was 6 months pregnant, and lost Dad to cancer when Ian was only 18 months old.

You see, lately my emotions have been a lot like our 4 years of marriage. A lot of ups and a lot of downs. I am very excited to start treatment and get on with diagnosing our infertility. I want our second child so badly and just want answers on to why I can not do it. The downs? In 6 days I will call my Dr to tell her once Aunt Flow has showed up once again and need to schedule my HSG (dye test) and FSH (blood test).

These test should make me excited. Once we know the results we will know what steps are next for us. Will we have to take clomid? Have my fibroids out? Remove any blockage? Inter uterine insemination? or In vitro fertilization? However, knowing that these test are coming at the end of this cycle, I feel like I have failed. I was unable to give my husband a second child, I failed at being able to give my son a brother or sister. I can not have a second baby on my own. I am broken.

So even though I am excited to get on with treatment I cant help but shed a tear and what I was not able to do on my own. I know God is in control and has a very special child out there for us. However, please pray for us as we start this transition into treatment and I go through the emotions of not being able to do this on my own.

Can you hear me?

http://youtu.be/RrFO-L8Rpas

Infertility poem

Maybe if you could take a walk in my shoes,

You would understand what it feels like to have the infertility blues.

The devastating feeling when on the test only one line appears,

The exhaustion over sleepless nights and crying so many tears.

... Maybe you wouldn’t say “If it’s meant to be, it will be”.

Or “just relax, live your life and try to be worry free”.

By this you insinuate that I am doing something wrong,

Don't you understand how hard it is to stay strong?

Was it meant to be for the woman who chose to have an abortion?

Was it meant to be for women having babies born with addiction?

Choose you words carefully or please say nothing at all,

In this community of women the support seems so small.

“Do it in this position, drink this, and I heard not to eat that”.

Or “Did you know that you can’t get pregnant if you’re fat”?

Think before you speak because we have no tolerance for you!

You have no idea of our struggle and what we are going through!

If you want to be a friend please just be at our side.

Be there to support us and wipe our tears as we cry.

Don’t offer us testimonial or uneducated advice.

A hug and a shoulder to cry on will certainly suffice.

And if we are hopeful one month and trying to read our bodies' signs,

Please don’t tell us it’s too early or that we are losing our minds.

Let us hold on to our hope, as brief as it may be,

Because this is all we have, our dreams of pregnancy.

by Christina Lemal

An amazing video describing the thoughts of infertility

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Our Journey

I have decided to start blogging for a few reasons. One is, because some people like to know what we are currently going through in our Journey of secondary infertility so they know how to pray for us. Another is, I am learning that there are so many women out there who have secondary infertility and feel alone. We aren't welcomed always with people with Primary Infertility because we already have a child. (However, I never say or think that I have it as hard as these amazingly strong women!) Then we have the people who don't have any issues getting pregnant and think we just need to relax, do it a certain way, try this, eat that or have you heard of doing this? I hope for those that are looking to not feel so alone that you find comfort through our story!

I married the love of my life (and yes an ex from high school!) on August 11, 2007. I had a Dr tell me I may difficulty getting pregnant, and it may take a little longer due to a tilted cervix. So we decided to go off birth control on Jan. 1 2008. We figured if it happened right away that would be fine, but that it would also be OK if it took us awhile to get pregnant. We moved into our house on April 15, 2008 and found out I was pregnant on that Mothers day. So much for taking awhile to get pregnant! ( Was later told, I didnt have a tilted cervix and my OB had no idea what my Dr had seen.) After a crazy pregnancy of Fibroids, appendicitis at 12 weeks, and a stubborn breach baby leading to a c-section, I had my Amazing son on January 8, 2009.

We knew we wanted our kids close in age like my husband (Aaron) and his brother. So we went off birth control once again in April 2010. No problem we thought, it takes 3 months to get BC out of your system and return to normal. I will be pregnant by September or October and it will be no problem. Well September came, followed by October and many more months. In February of 2011 I went to my OB for a check up. That was the day I learned about secondary infertility.

My Dr was concerned because we were tracking our Ovulation, we had our son recent enough that age should not be a problem, and yet no baby. She told us maybe we just needed a little longer however wanted some test ran just to be safe. After blood work, tests and ultrasounds, it was determined that the basic stuff was ruled out. I was still ovulating, my thyroid was fine, fibroid hadnt changed from when I got pregnant with my son, and Aaron tested fine. We then began saving money for our HSG tests to check to see if my tubes are blocked. 5 months into waiting, Aaron got a new job and we now have infertility insurance. Allowing us to move forward with our testing and treatments.

So where are we now in our journey? I will be going for a test in about 4 weeks to see if I have blockage in my tubes. If I do, we will first have to figure out what caused it, and then decide on treatment. We are looking at several things coming up that are scary but exciting because getting us closer to having our second child. We are so excided to be moving forward and that you are interested in following our journey. We covet your prayers and feel them daily as we go through the ups and downs that come with infertility.